Wednesday, March 10, 2010
7 months - unblemished!
First off, I must acknowledge an epiphany I had today at work: My wife is a saint. Not just because she's been here for me every step of the way in my recovery, but because of the very different lives we live. She has one of those "day job" things (booooo!), and I work nights. Sure, we see each other, but she's gone when I wake up, and she's asleep when I get home. So we have that precious couple of hours between when she gets home at 6:30 and when I leave at 8:30, during the day Saturday, and all day and night Sunday. But my real epiphany came tonight at work when I realized how difficult it must be knowing that I work in a social situation, and she doesn't REALLY know what's going on at any given time.
For example, I know when she goes to work she's going to deal with complete simpletons, and sit behind a desk or in a lab for 90% of her day. Kind of like a Dilbert comic strip, I imagine in my head. But I suppose I don't really know. But I can feel pretty secure in the fact that the likelihood of someone coming in and starting a fight or shooting up the place, or getting carjacked or robbed on the way home isn't going to happen. The worst that might happen is that she gets into a 2 MPH accident while crawling down 495.
But in MY line of work, we could have a big fight in the bar, I could be robbed outside my car or worse, or worst case scenario - be tempted by drugs or alcohol. The first two things are highly unlikely. I work in a safe environment in a very safe neighborhood. But things can happen. However, drugs and alcohol are something that I'm in close proximity to every single day. I know that I'm not going to drink or track down illicit substances, but she has every right to be concerned for my well being. As I'm sure she probably is every time I walk out the door to go to work. So anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of this was, but it's definitely a factor in our lives I wanted to acknowledge.
All of that unpleasantness aside, I'm starting to feel like something is missing in my life. As of today I have had perfect sobriety for exactly 7 months, and only once have I had a serious temptation. So it's definitely not alcohol I'm missing. I'm very happy sober, I love my wife and family, I love my friends, I love my job, I love my home, so why can't I just find that missing piece that make the puzzle complete?
I guess anything would be hard to find, if you're not even sure what you're looking for. Maybe I just need a vacation. Although it's been my experience that a vacation never really makes you feel better, it just puts your real life on hold for a few days. I really hope this isn't a midlife crisis, because I'm only 30.
Fuck it. I'm getting another tattoo.