Saturday, March 27, 2010

Only in my dreams...

I'm still having trouble getting to sleep at night. Then when I do, I have horrible and incredibly vivid nightmares. I MUST find a way to make this stop.

Jen thinks that when I was drinking, my brain just didn't process dreams correctly, and as a result I didn't remember them or whatever, but I can't imagine that normal people are having nightmares like this every single night.

Of course, this assumes I'm even able to get to sleep at all.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My 101 List

In 1983, Ted Leonsis, someone who would become one of my greatest inspirations survived a plane crash. Soon after, he compiled a list of 101 goals he had for his life, and these can be found all over the internet. Before I got sober, I had thought about doing this, but never really had any idea what my goals even were. Sobriety changed all of that. Now that I have a little more direction in life, as well as the last 7+ months of contemplation, I present to you:

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

7 months - unblemished!

First off, I must acknowledge an epiphany I had today at work: My wife is a saint. Not just because she's been here for me every step of the way in my recovery, but because of the very different lives we live. She has one of those "day job" things (booooo!), and I work nights. Sure, we see each other, but she's gone when I wake up, and she's asleep when I get home. So we have that precious couple of hours between when she gets home at 6:30 and when I leave at 8:30, during the day Saturday, and all day and night Sunday. But my real epiphany came tonight at work when I realized how difficult it must be knowing that I work in a social situation, and she doesn't REALLY know what's going on at any given time.

For example, I know when she goes to work she's going to deal with complete simpletons, and sit behind a desk or in a lab for 90% of her day. Kind of like a Dilbert comic strip, I imagine in my head. But I suppose I don't really know. But I can feel pretty secure in the fact that the likelihood of someone coming in and starting a fight or shooting up the place, or getting carjacked or robbed on the way home isn't going to happen. The worst that might happen is that she gets into a 2 MPH accident while crawling down 495.

But in MY line of work, we could have a big fight in the bar, I could be robbed outside my car or worse, or worst case scenario - be tempted by drugs or alcohol. The first two things are highly unlikely. I work in a safe environment in a very safe neighborhood. But things can happen. However, drugs and alcohol are something that I'm in close proximity to every single day. I know that I'm not going to drink or track down illicit substances, but she has every right to be concerned for my well being. As I'm sure she probably is every time I walk out the door to go to work. So anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of this was, but it's definitely a factor in our lives I wanted to acknowledge.

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All of that unpleasantness aside, I'm starting to feel like something is missing in my life. As of today I have had perfect sobriety for exactly 7 months, and only once have I had a serious temptation. So it's definitely not alcohol I'm missing. I'm very happy sober, I love my wife and family, I love my friends, I love my job, I love my home, so why can't I just find that missing piece that make the puzzle complete?

I guess anything would be hard to find, if you're not even sure what you're looking for. Maybe I just need a vacation. Although it's been my experience that a vacation never really makes you feel better, it just puts your real life on hold for a few days. I really hope this isn't a midlife crisis, because I'm only 30.

Fuck it. I'm getting another tattoo.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You ever have one of those days...

Of course you have.

But for me, today is one of those days I reflect on the day's events and realize that alcohol REALLY does change one's personality. Sometimes for the better, but often times for the worse. I imagine that mine was for the worse, and I've heard people say that I became more volatile after a few drinks. Jen once said she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me.

There is a particular person in my life right now that I feel the same way around. Unfortunately, this is not someone I can easily evade. In fact, it's probably a mistake to even be writing this blog entry, but as I said in the blog disclaimer, this blog isn't for you, it's for me. It's often very difficult to even carry on an intelligent conversation with them, because they get very defensive for no good reason, interrupt relentlessly, and then try to rally everyone around onto their side. It makes my life extraordinarily difficult, and there is nothing I can do about it. Mentioning their alcohol consumption makes things even worse.

Sound familiar?

So to all of you who ever felt this way around me, please accept my most sincere apologies, because I know it made you very uncomfortable.

With all of that said, Tuesday will be 6 months of sobriety for me, and I feel great! Still haven't touched a drop, things are still great at home, and I still love my job (despite a few hiccups along the way). I am fortunate to be in the employment of someone I consider a friend, who has been very supportive of my journey, and for that I am grateful. Jen has been like an angel to me, and has kept me motivated in every aspect of my life. I'm lucky to have her around :)

I'm looking forward to our road trip to Hershey to see the Bears play during the Olympic break! I wish the weather was nicer, it would be nice to take a real vacation, which is DEFINITELY in the cards for springtime. Jen and I haven't had a true vacation since we got married almost 6 years ago.

Snovechkin weekend has begun, with a big win already, and two more games to play. Atlanta traded Ilya Kovalchuk today, so Atlanta should be interesting tomorrow at home, especially with the 24" of snow they're calling for. It would be SWEET to go into the game against the Pens on Sunday with a 13 game win streak. Heather O'neill and I are one game into our three game bet, and I took game one. If the Caps win on Sunday, she will be sporting a nice red Ovechkin jersey on April 6. If the Pens win, she lives to fight another day. I don't see myself looking very good in that obnoxious Pittsburgh blue thing should they take the next two.

I have yet to choose an allegiance to an Olympic national team, though I naturally gravitate toward Russia, for obvious reasons. Any way you slice it, the games are going to be amazing this year! I wish I was independently wealthy and could afford to attend the games in Vancouver, but alas, such is not the case. But that is definitely on my bucket list.

Speaking of bucket list, I plan to have one of those up here soon. It won't be nearly to the scale that Ted Leonsis' is, but I don't have goals nearly as lofty as his. In the grand scheme of things, I have pretty simple tastes, and don't care for an overly extravagant lifestyle. Just some places I want to go and see, and things I want to do before I die, or get to old to enjoy or appreciate. Some of those things may surprise you. if it snows like they SAY it will, you can probably look for that list soon, because there won't be much else to do!

Thanks for reading, and be safe out there!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Show some respect.

This is something that has been bothering me about professional sports.

Teams that are losing games by wide margins are complaining about the other team "running up the score". A recent example is of the NFL's Vikings victory over the Cowboys. I was a child in the 80s, I remember seeing teams score 21 points in less than two game minutes. It happens sometimes, especially when you're dealing with athletes that are the best in the world at their sport. Recently, the Caps beat the Flyers 8-2, and a couple of years ago, crushed the bruins 10-2.

I don't see a problem with this. What are you getting so angry about, that your team couldn't get it's collective shit together enough to put some points on the board? I've seen my favorite team get spanked before, at HOME no less, and they deserved it. You think Matt Bradley is going to call ESPN and whine about another team scoring more goals than them? Hell no. He's going to rally the team to work harder next time, and probably beat somebody down in the first period of the next meeting.

This is what irritates me about football. Most players these days are a bunch of overpaid prima donnas that coaches are being paid to babysit. If you're going to be paid millions of dollars a year to do what you are THE BEST at, at least have a little respect for the game, and give it 100% every game. If you lose, tough. Get over it and work harder next time, this is what you're being paid to do.

Furthermore, there's no more loyalty in the game, a player will run as soon as the next big payday comes his way. I admit, hockey players are just as guilty as football players, and Baseball players are the WORST. In a sport with no salary cap, everyone thinks THEY should get $10-$20 million a year to play. You think Johnny Damon will ever be welcome on Portland street again?

Are you kidding me?

You don't even have to be in SHAPE to play baseball. There are some fat bastards playing the game now, and Babe Ruth was a tubby bitch and is arguably one of the best to ever play the game.

This is why I like college sports, there is still some purity left in the games. Anyway, that's enough of a rant for today, we can all get back to our orgy of NFL Playoffs and get ready for some Olympic Hockey!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Playing With Fire

I just read the most awesome book EVER. It's called Playing with Fire, and was written by an alcoholic drug addict victim of sex abuse who was once so close to suicide he felt the gun barrel bouncing off of his teeth, and is now on his third year of sobriety. Through all of his demons he managed a career that kept him busy and on the road a lot, and kept his biggest secrets from his friends, family, and employers. Hockey fans will remember him as number 14 for the Calgary Flames - future hall of famer Theo Fleury.

Reading this book was very eye opening not only because I identified with so many of his experiences, but with the feelings that came along with them as well. Stories like his are part of the inspiration that keep me motivated on my journey to continued sobriety, but I recommend this book to EVERYONE.

For those of you keeping track at home, my last taste of alcohol was nearly 5 months ago, and it's easier every day.